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Meet the smoothest man in British business

Antonio Horta Osorio is a good-looking man who gets what he wants.

He runs Lloyds Bank. And this has been a great week for him.

While the rest of us are getting ripped off - on our energy, our banking, our insurance, you name it - guys like Antonio are doing very well indeed.

Before Theresa May announced that she wanted to crack down on executive pay, the Lloyds CEO managed to TROUSER a whopping £8.5m payment package. So much for moderation.

Antonio presumably opposes the PM's suggestions that workers be represented on the board too. He has, after all, fired around 7,000 of them since joining Lloyds. Those who remain saw their pay increase by a mere 2% for 2016, while Antonio boosted his own salary by 6%.

We're guessing Lloyd's riled rank and file probably wouldn't like that.

Still, the man does offer value. As Britain demanded their Competition and Markets Authority get tough with the big four banks, Lloyds were deriding the watchdog's very methods as "wholly unreliable".

The son of a Portuguese table tennis champion, Antonio is a natural master of spin.

He will have been delighted this week to see a CMA report that shied away from any serious challenge to the Big Four banks. Two years ago, it looked as though Britain's banks might be broken up. Today, the watchdog announced they would have to help build an app.

The banks are off the hook - again.

Happy days then for a man who in 2010 had to check into a clinic for stress related to insomnia. Say what you like, Antonio was living his motto:

Money never sleeps.

Of course, Antonio still spends the occasional night thrashing around in bed. The Sun and Daily Mail reported that the Iberian hunk enjoyed a romantic getaway with his mistress this weekend.

Antonio being Antonio, the meetings played out in a five-star hotel in Singapore. And with £8.5m burning a hole in his trousers, you can bet there wasn't a single Tiger left in the minibar by the end of the weekend.

The extra-marital tryst would be a matter for Antonio and his wife, were it not for Lloyds' preposterous Code of Responsibility, launched in 2013. Antonio offered the foreword to a 14 page moral lecture delivered by the very executives whose rank irresponsibility had helped wreck the British economy.

'We can only be the Best Bank for Customers by building a great reputation founded on the highest standards of responsible behaviour.'

What's that you say? Hypocrisy?

It's the same with guys at the top of the energy business. The former npower CEO told British pensioners to turn their heating down and throw on a cardigan while he used his £600k salary to flood his Oxfordshire mansion with warmth.

There's one rule for guys like Antonio and another for the rest of us.

The Big Deal is here to burst their bubble.

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“The CMA’s two year investigation has done little to help consumers and may well do more harm than good.”